Gordon's Story

Hi, my name is Gordon and I am a recovering addict,

I am a member of a group of recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. I started using drugs at a fairly young age and continued to use them recreationally for alot of years. I found what I had been looking for. I didn't have to feel anything! I thought that it was great that I could be in control of my feelings. I didn't like feelings. So therefore when I did start to feel one, I felt the need to change it. When I was happy I celebrated by numbing the feeling of joy, when I was hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, etc, I did the same thing. You see it was easier to not have to feel anything than it was to feel it! Wow! for someone who basically was a chicken shit when it came to feeling, drugs was my nirvana!

Well I did that for a very long time. I started out to use to have fun, and when I discovered that it had the above described properties......well that was what their use was for. I remember that I could get into an argument with my wife and stop arguing enough to get high, then the argument ended! Wow, this shit really works!! So I would go on about my business and so would my wife. Nothing got solved, but the argument stopped.........desired effect accomplished. I used drugs to get that effect through that marriage, and halfway through another one. Gee I wonder why my marriage didn't last? Could it be that nothing ever got solved? Go figure!

In January of 1989, I found myself reaching a place of which is commonly referred to as, "A Moment of Clarity". I stepped back and looked at myself and could clearly see what/who I had become. I didn't like what I saw. I had been "crankin'" for five or so days and was in the parking lot of a small mom n' pop store. I had this gun with me and I didn't want to live any longer. After all who would care about someone like me? I had a job, a house, two cars, a family, but no feelings! At least I didn't think so. I was so used to stuffing everything down so far, that I did not know how to get through them, so I ignored them to the point of an emotional explosion. It was late at night, the store was closed and I thought, "OK i'll just put the gun in my mouth and BLAM, no more dealing with it!"

Well it is weird the things you think of when in this state. I had reached the point of thinking about suicide a few weeks earlier. I did call the help line, (916)225-5252, to whine to them about it and they did help to calm me down enough to not do myself. I was talking to this lady and she had made me promise to call them first, talk about it, then blow my brains out if I still wanted to. Well I promised, and guess what I remembered while in that parking lot? Yup, that I had given this lady a promise! "OK" I told myself, "I'll call and just tell them that I am going to do myself, and then," as Nike says, "just do it!" Well I called, busy, I called, busy, I called, busy...........about an hour later, I said fuck it and went home! Who says their isn't a God? I believe that it was what saved my life, a busy signal! Now you tell me how many times could you call a help line and get a busy signal? I believe that my Higher Power was working in my life that night, January 9, 1989.

I went to a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous the next day, and have been going ever since. I have not had to use any drug (and yes, ALCOHOL IS A DRUG!) since that day. I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to get through the feelings that I do have come up now. I can actually feel things now!

Well thanks for reading this, and e-mail me if you have any comments.........Gordon H.

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